Cubs vs Cardinals

Bars all around the upper Midwest are closing. Foreign companies are taking over Anheuser Busch. DUI arrests are down. And it’s all because the Cubs are in first place in the NL Central Division.

This is uncharted territory for Cubs fans (first place in August) and they are all totally afraid to jinx it for the Cubs, so they’ve all gone silent, reduced their booze intake, and in general have come down a notch or two. It’s like they all know that the scary collapse monster is hiding under their bed just waiting to pounce. Maybe if they are really quiet and they pull their covers over their faces, it might not get them again this year.

Maybe.

This year IS definitely going to be different. Normally by this point in the season, Cubs fans are talking more about the Bears’ quarterback situation than baseball, but the stage is being set for the ultimate collapse, and one that St. Louis fans know all too well. It’s called the President’s Cup syndrome. Ask any St. Louis Blues fan and they will tell the tales of how our mighty team DOMINATED the regular season by getting the most wins, thus earning them the President’s Cup, only to be booted from the playoffs in the early rounds by teams that weren’t even supposed to make the playoffs.

 And that is where the Cubs will face their destiny. They can have the regular season, but we Cardinals fans need more of a challenge this year. We are already overachieving by being 10 games over .500 and in 3rd place right now, so you can imagine the disgust when the Cardinals and Cubs meet in the playoffs (F the Brewers, BTW) and the Cardinals wipe the floor with the mighty Cubs.

And the Cardinals are going to do it despite our bullpen’s best efforts to give away every 4-run lead in the 9th inning. We are going to do it despite having Carpenter and Wainwright out most of the year. We are going to do it with a bunch of guys who are better known as Springfield Cardinals rather than St. Louis Cardinals.

So keep bringing down the economy Cubs fans. Keep hiding under your blankets, hoping the collapse monster doesn’t grab you while you sleep. He’s waiting under your bed. . .and FredBird is in your closet.

Hey Everybody, HarryFromHeaven here. In Lou of this weekends series between the Cubs and the Cardinals, me and God just sat down and cracked our first ice cold Budweisers. So I asked the G-man, “Hey Lord who’s gonna win this weekends series” and he said he thinks it will be the Cubs 2 games to 1. I said “You think? Aren’t you the almighty….the all powerful?” He said “Yes HarryFromHeaven my son, but even I cannot forseeith the future.”

I still wanted to find out who’s gonna win so I picked up my cellphone and called the Robins manager Tony La Russa. Have you ever used a cellphone? I don’t know how they work but they are amazing. I used one to call my friend Steve Stone before. So I asked Tony La Russa who was gonna win the series and I couldn’t really understand him. It sounded like he already had too many ice cold Budweisers.

Then I remembered I had stored Nostradamus‘ number in my cellphone. Have you ever used a cellphone? I don’t know how it works but you can stored phone numbers in them….and then use those numbers to call people on your cellphone.

I remembered that Nostradamus predicts the future. So I said “Hey Nostradamus, HarryFromHeaven here. I was wondering who’s gonna win the weekend series between the Cubs and Cards.” Nostradamus said “HarryFromHeaven, not only will the Cubs win the series, I see Mondays newspaper headline and it says ‘Cubs Sweep Cardinals’.

Also HarryFromHeaven just in case you were wondering, I see headlines all the following headlines in October ‘Zambrano Wins 2008 Cy Young’……’D Lee Claims 2008 NL MVP Award’……’Sweet Lou Manager of the Year Again’…..’Cubs Catcher Soto Edges Cubs Right Fielder Fuck-You Do-Me for NL Rookie of the Year’ ……’The Curse Is Over - Chicago Cubs End 100 Year Drought by Sweeping Red Sox’”

There you have it everybody. Cheers to the 2008 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs.

Prior to the 2007 season, after it had become clear that Albert Pujols would dominate the game with his bat for years to come, a group of thugs sent by the Milwaukee Brewers - a group that included Pac-Man Jones, Mike Tyson, the Chocolate Rain guy, a roided-out Barry Bonds, Prince “fatty-fatty-two-by-four-can’t-fit-through-the-kitchen-door” Fielder, and a crossed-dressed Chipper Jones - waited for Albert in a dark parking lot and jumped him (Chipper Jones tried to sodomize him, but Mike Tyson just thought that was wrong, so he stopped it).

What they did to Albert left him with only one working arm. His right elbow was damaged in the altercation that was meant to send a message to Albert and to the St. Louis Cardinals: “No more kicking our asses.”

Albert got the message. Then he laughed and promptly deleted it as if it were voicemail. For fun (and to prove he could still dominate with his one good arm), Albert immediately went out in search of Chuck Norris, who at that time was still a giant at 6′9″ tall.

Not unlike the second (incomplete) Death Star in Return of the Jedi, Albert sought to test his destructive power on a large and worthy target. Naturally, Chuck Norris fit the bill with all his “Chuck Norris Facts” and what not. So with one swift stroke, Albert reduced Chuck Norris to a dehumanizing 5′6″ tall, even though the IMDB still lists him at 5′10″ because they were afraid Chuck Norris might get pissed and roundhouse one of the IMDB webservers or something.

Anyway, Pujols squashed Chuck Norris down to a height that rendered him Walker, Texas Ranger (translation: worthless), then he set his sights on the MLB pitchers. And despite the one-armed curse and the need for Tommy John surgery, Albert, he has continued to deliver.

And even if the goon squad strikes again, Albert Pujols will prove that he does not, in fact, require the use of his arms in order to hit at least .300, 30 homers, and 100 RBI yet again.

Time to crack open the Budweisers and fire up the old shit-talkin’ machine again for another great year of watching the overpaid underachievers from the north side crap out in the playoffs. Nice job in the playoffs last year, Cubbies.

(Fukudome!)

Bold Prediction: The Cubs will celebrate in 2008!

Yes, I am predicting that the Cubs will celebrate what I am calling “A Century of Shitty” in 2008 by NOT WINNING THE WORLD SERIES for the 100th straight year! Yep, 100 years of blaming goats, curses, and fans for their losing. Here’s to the next 100!

(Fukudome!)

Meanwhile, back in Cardinal Nation, I am quite optimistic about this year and the next few. The youth movement has begun in St. Louis, which generally means that we will probably land some twilighter looking for a career revival in the heartland (think McGwire, Will Clark, Larry Walker) and - oh, wait a second - we already got Troy Glaus. If the STL magic still works, he should be a solid bat for us.

We do have some kids who can play D and hit, but they are mostly a bunch of green bananas at this point. I would expect to see a few of them ripen in the minors and come up later in the year to wow us with their skills. The pressure is off us for the first time in a long time since all the lemmings who predict baseball are picking the Cubs and Asstros to win - even Milwaukee. That’s basically saying that the Cardinals are going to finish last in the NLC because we still cannot formally recognize the Pirates and Reds as MLB teams.

The first meeting between our fine clubs happens the first week of May. Then it’s on!

(Fukudome!) 

Somehow, Wrigley Field is apparently still standing after another crappy Chicago winter. I think they should build a new retractable roof stadium for the Cubs. . .perhaps they can call it the FukuDome? How about “the Dome that Fuku built”?

I think he plays right field, where all the real drunks sit. I can just see the new “salute” the Cub fans will have when their boy Fukudome trots out to right this year. That ought to make the WGN sensors happy this year!

But seriously, I wish to god that Harry Caray were alive today just to hear him make the call the first time that Kosuke Fukudome steps to the plate. It would truly be the shot heard ’round the world.Â