Cubs vs Cardinals

As per the per their master plan, Cardinals took three out of four from the Brewers to help the Cubs climb within a half-game of first place in the division.

“Yes, it’s all part of our master plan this year,” said Cardinals manager and mastermind Tony LaRussa, “We know the Cubs are the Cubs, so our plan is to help them get into first place, possibly let them stay there for a good chunk of August and maybe into September —  something they’ve never really done before — then we are going to pull the curtain down on them around September 15 when we face them for a four-game series. At that point, we fully expect to slam the door on them and put a nail in the coffin.

“I assure you,” La Russa continued, “this ballclub is fully armed and operational [laughter].”

In other news, the Cubs are close to welcoming back perennial waste-of-time Kerry Wood. Cardinals fans are excited by the news of Wood’s return. One fan said, “When the Cubs have Wood, they tend to blow their loads early . . . did I say ‘loads’? Sorry, I meant ‘leads’. Yeah, anyway, if Wood comes back, the Cubs are practically guaranteed to blow it. We can’t wait to watch him come back, get paid a ton of money, and crush the hopes and dreams of Cubs fans everywhere, just like he always does. At what point to you finally admin that you can’t get Wood anymore and just move on?”�

 Braden Looper’s chin pitched seven innings allowing one run on five hits to the rival Cubs on Thursday night, who fell to the Cardinals 11-1.

With the help of Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan, Looper has finally harnessed the full power of his chin as a weapon to intimidate opposing batters. According to Duncan, “It has a Leno-like stature and he uses it to strike fear into hitters, rendering their bats basically useless. We started working on this back in the spring, but he hasn’t fully realized its power until now. We look for his chin to be a real force as we wait for Chicago and Milwaukee to falter so we can waltz back into the playoffs where we belong.”

The Cubs hitters were apparently too intimidated by the chin to make contact with the ball in any real capacity Thursday night. Discussing his team’s lack of run support and their batting practice-like pitching on Thursday night in St. Louis, Cubs manager Lou Pinheadda said of Looper’s chin, “Our guys were blinded by the light. That guy was revved up like a deuce — another runner in the night.”

Looper’s chin is scheduled to throw again either Monday or Wednesday.

It was pretty cool to win the 2006 World Series the way we did. We basically laid down the last three weeks of the regular season and we triple-dog-dared the Astros to try and take us. Then we made a rather dramatic run through the playoffs and watched the Tigers pitchers shoot themselves in the foot for the Series.  

This year, we needed a greater challenge. We purposely injured or gave away most of our pitching staff in order to increase our challenge. Our Cy Young winner just got off the operating table a few minutes ago and he won’t be back until mid-next year. Our slugger is giving MLB pitchers a break this year by only hitting .314 with 22 homers so far this year. Most of our position players (starters) decided to finally admit to their injuries this year and give the other teams a break for a while in order to heal. They also gave ESPN a break by not dominating the plays of the week highlight reels (Scott Rolen, Jim Edmonds, Yadier Molina, Eckstein, etc.).

We did get our regular closer back this year, but since we regularly are allowing at least one touchdown per game, he hasn’t been called on much for saving games. That’s cool because we will need him later.

We have even gone so far as to let the gap widen between us, the Cubs, and the Brewers. It seems that Cardinal alumni from the1982 World Championship team felt really bad for beating up the Brewers in the 1982 World Series, so we want to let the Brewers feel better about themselves for a while. After all, they do produce an inferior alcoholic product up there — that and most people from Wisconsin are either fat, stupid, or both — so in the interest of good will, the Cardinals have decided to let them have a little glory for a while. . .until they decide enough’s enough.

We have even thrown a bone to our old friends the Cubs. Knowing that you guys will find a way to screw yourselves out of yet another playoff appearance, we figured, why not let Lou Pinheadda and his merry band of doucheslingers have a few critical wins at our expense. Seems like the fair thing to do what with all our World Series banners swinging proudly in the wind.

Bottom line in all this. . .we just needed more adversity. Our playoff run this year just wouldn’t be exciting if we did the same thing we’ve been doing the past few years (trouncing everyone in our path). That’s no fun. That’s why people hate the Yankees. No, the Cardinals need a bigger challenge. We need to pile on the adversity so we have something to motivate us. Once we overcome the adversity and play it one game at a time, we will take our rightful place atop the division. Cubbies, we know you won’t sustain, so this message is for the Brewers. . .look out douchemeisters, Here Comes the King.

Hey everybody, Harry here from Cloud Nine. God and I are chatting and we just cracked open our first of many ice cold Budweisers. We are getting ready to watch the greatest rivalry in sports: The St. Louis Cubs vs Chicago Cardinals. It’s the greatest rivalry because God (and millions of fans) said so. Hey God, did you ever see that Field of Dreams? That was a good movie. Didn’t Tom Hanks win an Oscar in that one?

Anyways I just picked up tomorrows paper (The Big Guy gets his papers one day early) on my way thru Heavens Gate and here was the top story I thought I would share with earth.

Zambrano Tosses No Hitter and Goes Deep in 8-0 Route of Cards
Heaven AP - Future 2007 Cy Young Award Winner Carlos Zambrano starts of the first of a three game series last night against their rival St. Louis Cardinals by tossing a no-hit, nine inning shutout. Zambrano fell short of a perfect game when he plunked Albert Pujols (poo HOLEs) in the eighth inning. After the game Zambrano stated “I looked over at their dugout during the 7th inning stretch and Pujols was showing a complete disrespect of ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game. I knew I needed to hit him the next time up….even if it cost me the perfect game.”

Derrek Lee, in his first game back after a five game suspension for kicking Padres pitcher Chris Young’s ass, started the offense in the first with a 3-run dinger. Zambrano added a 2-run homer of his own in the bottom of the fifth to help his own cause.

Hey Everybody, Harry Caray here from Heaven. Did you know they sell hot dogs in Heaven? With mustard. It kinda reminds me of Wrigley. They also have relish. Although I’m a little disappointed that the Cubs even allowed a run in the 2nd half of the season, they are still off to a spectacular start the 2nd half of the season. The chances are pretty good that the Cubbies won’t lose another game the rest of the season.

Here are just a few reasons why:

1. They have the greatest pitching staff in the history of major league baseball. This includes the ace and future 2007 Cy Young Award winner Carlos Zambrano who will pitch no hitters every game he pitches the rest of the season. It will be a close vote for Cy Young however because Zambrano has 4 other Cubs starting pitchers to contend with.

2. Their starting line up will all end up all hitting over .300 this season and there is a very good chance that Derrek Lee will hit over .400

3. Alfonzo Soriano will go on to break the single season HR record and win MVP.

4. They get play the Cardinals 10 more times this season which will be 10 for sure wins.

5. God told me they wouldn’t lose another game.

These are just a few of the reasons that the Cubs won’t lose a game the rest of the season including the playoffs and World Series.

Well I gotta go meet Belushi and Walter Payton. We are gonna have a couple ice cold Budweisers before the game.

Holy Cow!

OK boys. . .it’s on.

You (the Cubs) might be one of the hottest teams in baseball right now, but the Red Forces are rising. . .and you are still the Cubs. Carpenter is coming back soon. The rest of the guys are slowly coming back (half of our starters). Most importantly, someone lit a fire under Albert’s ass and he is tearing up the league (NL Player of the Week).

My guess would be that it had something to do with the All-Star game, where Tony kept him on the pine in the key moment of the game. Everyone knows Albert would have won the All-Star game with one swing. Everyone thinks Tony had his head up his own Poo Hole(s) [thanks Chad] by not sending Albert up to the plate to win the game.

A lot of people also think that if Cubs’ Manager Lou Piniella were managing the All-Star game, he could have done better. Well, in order for Lou to manage the All-Star game, that would mean the Cubs would actually have to go to the World Series for once (do I need to continue?).

But since LaRussa is always thinking three steps ahead of most mortals, you would have to think Tony took one for his real team. He left Albert on the bench, knowing full well he was risking yet another NL All-Star loss, but he did it anyway knowing controversy would follow. He basically laid down the challenge to his best player and guess who responded.

After going like 0-77 without a homer or whatever the stat was before the break, now Albert is taking the team on his back. Sure we got our asses handed to us in Philly the first two games, but Sunday’s homerun-fest announced our intentions. Here we come.

If you look ahead on the Cardinals schedule, you’ll see that next Tuesday starts a 3-game series against the Cubs, followed by a series with the Brewers. I predict that the Cubs will be the Cubs. They will find a way to lose ground to the Cardinals within the next two weeks. The Cubs and Cardinals will beat each other up for the NL Central Crown, and the stupid Brewers will be collateral damage in the whole thing. IN THE END, THE CARDS WILL PREVAIL.

Mark my words.

We cordially invite you to take part in the trash talk between our two beloved teams, the Chicago Cubs and the St. Louis Cardinals. As fans of the Cubs and Cardinals, we are at the core of the greatest sports rivalry on the planet and we are a better rivalry than others simply because at the end of the day, we all go out and drink together in the same bar. It’s what Harry and Jack would have done.

If you don’t know who Harry and Jack are, leave this site now because you are an idiot.  

We also don’t take kindly to any fans of such teams as the Yankees and Red Sox. If you support either of these teams, please stop reading now and visit this site. Let’s just say it’s where you belong. Please keep in mind that any Cubs or Cards fan will agree that the Mets are useless wastes of space, as are the Astros, and the Braves are a bunch of no-talent ass-clowns, especially Chipper Jones. I don’t care how many stupid division titles you had in a row–with that many chances, you tools should have enough bling on your fingers to make a rapper kneel in awe.

So without further ado. . . 

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Enjoy! The rest of the 2007 season should be fun. . .