Comments on: Cubs-vs-Cardinals - Welcome!

By: The Tomahawk that Could

The Tomahawk that Could — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 18:38:12 +0000

Luckily for you, part of his endorsement deal gives him free douches for life. And I’m sure that if you ask him nicely, you might just get your hands on that timeless keepsake you’ve always wanted: a personalized douche autographed by Chipper Jones himself!

Think of the altar you’ll build for it with your mighty carpentering skills!

And speaking of Carpenter, his ERA this season is 7.50, which when you multiply it by 2, is exactly the size of Chipper Jones’ massive 15″ schlong he’ll use to fuck the Cards during their 4 game sweep at Turner Field starting tonight.

Coincidentally, if you also multiply Chipper’s current batting average (.333, good for 5th in the NL) by 2, you get .666 - the number of The Beast. That means that somewhere in Atlanta right now, Mike Maroth and Tony LaRussa are praying for Chipper Jones to be merciful on their souls.

The Tomahawk has Chopped!

By: HereComesTheKing

HereComesTheKing — Thu, 19 Jul 2007 16:46:55 +0000

I thought Pearl Jam was the team of the 90s? The Braves are as big a disappointment as the St. Louis Blues were for 25 years straight making the playoffs but never winning the cup.

But yes, that’s still one more Series win than the Cubs have in modern history, so ha ha ha.

Chipper Jones has no testicles because his boyfriend also chews tobacco, which gave said boyfriend cancer of the mouth, which transferred orally to Chipper’s . . . you get the idea. If not, call Lance Armstrong. I heard that Chipper just got an endoresement deal from Summer’s Eve.

By: The Brave Tomahawk that Could

The Brave Tomahawk that Could — Wed, 18 Jul 2007 21:08:08 +0000

While the Mets are in fact useless wastes of space, the Braves are easily the team of the 90s. So maybe they only won one ring during their historic streak of Division titles, but that’s still one more than the Cubs have won in the last century.

As for Chipper the Ripper, he’s got more talent in his left testicle than all the Cubs and Cards combined (minus Fat Albert). Besides, Chipper doesn’t need bling on his fingers to make rappers kneel before him, they already worship the ground he spits his holy tobacco on… and so does everyone else in the ATL. And when it’s all said and done, both of you douche bedazzlers will come to accept Chipper Jones as your personal lord and savior of baseball.

The Tomahawk has Chopped!