Cubs vs Cardinals

 Braden Looper’s chin pitched seven innings allowing one run on five hits to the rival Cubs on Thursday night, who fell to the Cardinals 11-1.

With the help of Cardinals pitching coach Dave Duncan, Looper has finally harnessed the full power of his chin as a weapon to intimidate opposing batters. According to Duncan, “It has a Leno-like stature and he uses it to strike fear into hitters, rendering their bats basically useless. We started working on this back in the spring, but he hasn’t fully realized its power until now. We look for his chin to be a real force as we wait for Chicago and Milwaukee to falter so we can waltz back into the playoffs where we belong.”

The Cubs hitters were apparently too intimidated by the chin to make contact with the ball in any real capacity Thursday night. Discussing his team’s lack of run support and their batting practice-like pitching on Thursday night in St. Louis, Cubs manager Lou Pinheadda said of Looper’s chin, “Our guys were blinded by the light. That guy was revved up like a deuce — another runner in the night.”

Looper’s chin is scheduled to throw again either Monday or Wednesday.