Cubs vs Cardinals

Tony La Russa is considering a radical new program that would ration the offensive production of the Cardinals in an effort to spread the highest offensive production days over several games. Currently, the Cardinals tend to produce a substantial amount of runs in a short time (such as last night’s 10-consecutive hits in one inning), or they produce none at all and lose by two touchdowns to shit teams like the Pirates and Nationals. 

“We are considering a plan that would help distribute runs across several games, kind of like one of those cell phone plans that lets you use your un-used minutes the next month,” said the Cardinal skipper. “We have some nights where we explode for 10 runs and win 10-2. The next night we give up 10 and lose. We think if we can spread those runs across the games, it would help get us a few more critical wins.”

With the Cardinals’ on-again, off-again offensive production this year, it seems like a plan that is catching on with the players and fans. Cardinals third baseman Scott Rolen agrees “This plan helps guys like me who only drive in runs after we have a lead of four runs or more. You don’t see me out there driving in runs when we are down by a few. No, this year, I only hit when the rest of the guys are hitting, otherwise, my bat is silent. Sorry, I can’t talk any more, my shoulder is killing me.”