Cubs vs Cardinals

Prior to the 2007 season, after it had become clear that Albert Pujols would dominate the game with his bat for years to come, a group of thugs sent by the Milwaukee Brewers - a group that included Pac-Man Jones, Mike Tyson, the Chocolate Rain guy, a roided-out Barry Bonds, Prince “fatty-fatty-two-by-four-can’t-fit-through-the-kitchen-door” Fielder, and a crossed-dressed Chipper Jones - waited for Albert in a dark parking lot and jumped him (Chipper Jones tried to sodomize him, but Mike Tyson just thought that was wrong, so he stopped it).

What they did to Albert left him with only one working arm. His right elbow was damaged in the altercation that was meant to send a message to Albert and to the St. Louis Cardinals: “No more kicking our asses.”

Albert got the message. Then he laughed and promptly deleted it as if it were voicemail. For fun (and to prove he could still dominate with his one good arm), Albert immediately went out in search of Chuck Norris, who at that time was still a giant at 6′9″ tall.

Not unlike the second (incomplete) Death Star in Return of the Jedi, Albert sought to test his destructive power on a large and worthy target. Naturally, Chuck Norris fit the bill with all his “Chuck Norris Facts” and what not. So with one swift stroke, Albert reduced Chuck Norris to a dehumanizing 5′6″ tall, even though the IMDB still lists him at 5′10″ because they were afraid Chuck Norris might get pissed and roundhouse one of the IMDB webservers or something.

Anyway, Pujols squashed Chuck Norris down to a height that rendered him Walker, Texas Ranger (translation: worthless), then he set his sights on the MLB pitchers. And despite the one-armed curse and the need for Tommy John surgery, Albert, he has continued to deliver.

And even if the goon squad strikes again, Albert Pujols will prove that he does not, in fact, require the use of his arms in order to hit at least .300, 30 homers, and 100 RBI yet again.