Cubs vs Cardinals

Bars all around the upper Midwest are closing. Foreign companies are taking over Anheuser Busch. DUI arrests are down. And it’s all because the Cubs are in first place in the NL Central Division.

This is uncharted territory for Cubs fans (first place in August) and they are all totally afraid to jinx it for the Cubs, so they’ve all gone silent, reduced their booze intake, and in general have come down a notch or two. It’s like they all know that the scary collapse monster is hiding under their bed just waiting to pounce. Maybe if they are really quiet and they pull their covers over their faces, it might not get them again this year.

Maybe.

This year IS definitely going to be different. Normally by this point in the season, Cubs fans are talking more about the Bears’ quarterback situation than baseball, but the stage is being set for the ultimate collapse, and one that St. Louis fans know all too well. It’s called the President’s Cup syndrome. Ask any St. Louis Blues fan and they will tell the tales of how our mighty team DOMINATED the regular season by getting the most wins, thus earning them the President’s Cup, only to be booted from the playoffs in the early rounds by teams that weren’t even supposed to make the playoffs.

 And that is where the Cubs will face their destiny. They can have the regular season, but we Cardinals fans need more of a challenge this year. We are already overachieving by being 10 games over .500 and in 3rd place right now, so you can imagine the disgust when the Cardinals and Cubs meet in the playoffs (F the Brewers, BTW) and the Cardinals wipe the floor with the mighty Cubs.

And the Cardinals are going to do it despite our bullpen’s best efforts to give away every 4-run lead in the 9th inning. We are going to do it despite having Carpenter and Wainwright out most of the year. We are going to do it with a bunch of guys who are better known as Springfield Cardinals rather than St. Louis Cardinals.

So keep bringing down the economy Cubs fans. Keep hiding under your blankets, hoping the collapse monster doesn’t grab you while you sleep. He’s waiting under your bed. . .and FredBird is in your closet.

Prior to the 2007 season, after it had become clear that Albert Pujols would dominate the game with his bat for years to come, a group of thugs sent by the Milwaukee Brewers - a group that included Pac-Man Jones, Mike Tyson, the Chocolate Rain guy, a roided-out Barry Bonds, Prince “fatty-fatty-two-by-four-can’t-fit-through-the-kitchen-door” Fielder, and a crossed-dressed Chipper Jones - waited for Albert in a dark parking lot and jumped him (Chipper Jones tried to sodomize him, but Mike Tyson just thought that was wrong, so he stopped it).

What they did to Albert left him with only one working arm. His right elbow was damaged in the altercation that was meant to send a message to Albert and to the St. Louis Cardinals: “No more kicking our asses.”

Albert got the message. Then he laughed and promptly deleted it as if it were voicemail. For fun (and to prove he could still dominate with his one good arm), Albert immediately went out in search of Chuck Norris, who at that time was still a giant at 6′9″ tall.

Not unlike the second (incomplete) Death Star in Return of the Jedi, Albert sought to test his destructive power on a large and worthy target. Naturally, Chuck Norris fit the bill with all his “Chuck Norris Facts” and what not. So with one swift stroke, Albert reduced Chuck Norris to a dehumanizing 5′6″ tall, even though the IMDB still lists him at 5′10″ because they were afraid Chuck Norris might get pissed and roundhouse one of the IMDB webservers or something.

Anyway, Pujols squashed Chuck Norris down to a height that rendered him Walker, Texas Ranger (translation: worthless), then he set his sights on the MLB pitchers. And despite the one-armed curse and the need for Tommy John surgery, Albert, he has continued to deliver.

And even if the goon squad strikes again, Albert Pujols will prove that he does not, in fact, require the use of his arms in order to hit at least .300, 30 homers, and 100 RBI yet again.

Time to crack open the Budweisers and fire up the old shit-talkin’ machine again for another great year of watching the overpaid underachievers from the north side crap out in the playoffs. Nice job in the playoffs last year, Cubbies.

(Fukudome!)

Bold Prediction: The Cubs will celebrate in 2008!

Yes, I am predicting that the Cubs will celebrate what I am calling “A Century of Shitty” in 2008 by NOT WINNING THE WORLD SERIES for the 100th straight year! Yep, 100 years of blaming goats, curses, and fans for their losing. Here’s to the next 100!

(Fukudome!)

Meanwhile, back in Cardinal Nation, I am quite optimistic about this year and the next few. The youth movement has begun in St. Louis, which generally means that we will probably land some twilighter looking for a career revival in the heartland (think McGwire, Will Clark, Larry Walker) and - oh, wait a second - we already got Troy Glaus. If the STL magic still works, he should be a solid bat for us.

We do have some kids who can play D and hit, but they are mostly a bunch of green bananas at this point. I would expect to see a few of them ripen in the minors and come up later in the year to wow us with their skills. The pressure is off us for the first time in a long time since all the lemmings who predict baseball are picking the Cubs and Asstros to win - even Milwaukee. That’s basically saying that the Cardinals are going to finish last in the NLC because we still cannot formally recognize the Pirates and Reds as MLB teams.

The first meeting between our fine clubs happens the first week of May. Then it’s on!

(Fukudome!) 

Somehow, Wrigley Field is apparently still standing after another crappy Chicago winter. I think they should build a new retractable roof stadium for the Cubs. . .perhaps they can call it the FukuDome? How about “the Dome that Fuku built”?

I think he plays right field, where all the real drunks sit. I can just see the new “salute” the Cub fans will have when their boy Fukudome trots out to right this year. That ought to make the WGN sensors happy this year!

But seriously, I wish to god that Harry Caray were alive today just to hear him make the call the first time that Kosuke Fukudome steps to the plate. It would truly be the shot heard ’round the world.Â

It seems that both our teams wound up in Shitsville this season. The baseball gods picked up a broom and beat up all the Cardinal starters (pitchers and defensive players) with one end of it, then flipped the broom over and swept the Cubs right out of the playoffs.

And here we sit, hoping for the D-Backs or Rockies to save our beloved NL. I guess there isn’t so much to say at this point other than better luck next year. We all know that “next year” will be the Cubs’ year, as I always say, the same way that Joe’s Crab Shack offers “free crabs tomorrow”.  .  .

And the Cardinals are facing uncertainty now that Walt Jocketty is out and La Russa and Duncan will (most likely) be soon to follow. If that’s the case, will we get Joe Girardi? Will Joe Torre take the helm again in St. Louis? Will it be Jose Oquendo? Who knows. For all we know, if La Russa is out, that means Ozzie Smith will show up to games again, which means we might be able to bring the Runnin’ Redbirds out of hiding now that the game will shift from the ‘roid-rage era back to a speed and defensive brand of baseball. I can just hear Jack Buck saying “. . .and the rabbits are loose” as a new era of Cardinals start stealing bases like they were white people’s cars in East St. Louis, IL. Ahh, the good old days.

Whether you are Cubs or Cardinals, at least we can all agree that the Red Sox and Yankees are still giant douches.

After the past 12 games, the St. Louis Cardinals know exactly how Charlie Brown felt every time he went to kick that damned football. Just when he gets close, that bitch Lucy yanks the ball away and he falls on his ass in despair.

Nevermind the staggering list of major player injuries, which is easier to refer to like this: Everyone on the team except Albert Pujols and So Taguchi. Nevermind that (another) one of our pitchers died this year. Nevermind that Tony got a DUI in the spring. Nevermind our World Series hangover from last year. All that and we were a game out going into the Arizona series with what has been referred to as a Triple-A team with Albert Pujols playing first base.

With the exception of a game or two in Cinci, I think we lost like 9 of those 11 games by one or two runs. We were in all those games and one way or another, we just didn’t win.  Then there was the 11-run comeback (and loss) against the Phillies. Are you kidding me?

And every time it got yanked and we fell on our ass, we got back up and tried to do it again. Because we are a dumb, pre-pubescent bald kid? No. Because if we don’t, the Brewers or the Cubs will accidentally win the NL Central.

Lucy, you fucking bitch. �

Cubs “ace” Carlos Zambranohole, who makes millions more than interim Cards ace Adam Wainwright but has three more losses and only two more wins, will start tonight in St. Louis.

And it all comes down to this.

The Cardinals have all but handed over ownership of the NL Central and they are doing everything they can to throw the Cubs a bone here - like dropping 7 straight on the road last week. We’ve even lost almost every starter both in the field and on the mound this year (add Chris Duncan to this long and distinguished list and most likely Yadier Molina). They are even talking about Tony and Dave taking off next year.

The door can’t be any more WIDE OPEN than it is now. As painful as this year has been for Cardinal Nation, we could still snap out of it and go on a tear. If we do, it starts with the Cubs in St. Louis this weekend. If we lose, we’re probably done and all we can do is sit back and pray that the Brewers don’t go to the playoffs.

Can we all agree that nobody wants to see the Milwaukee Brewers in the playoffs?

As if the Cardinals didn’t have enough injury and drama this year, now we lose another starter — possibly for his career. Juan Encarnacion took a foul ball in his eye while standing in the on-deck circle. He’s out for the year at least, which deals yet another blow to an already rough season. And just like that - it could all be over. What a shame, especially for Juan. Here’s hoping he gets his eyesight back, and hopefully, his career.

Yet somehow we swept the up-and-coming Reds and pulled within 2 games again. Unfortunately, the Pirates like having their way with us this year, so no bold predictions from The King this week. Let’s just be happy to get through this road trip intact. We will see Mulder and Maroth back this week, so hopefully that gives us some much needed pitching strength. Then the Cards make their way out here to AZ next weekend.

Then we can take down the powerhouse in the West on our way to demolishing the Cubs! Enjoy your first place stay while it lasts, Cubbies. We’re coming for you [insert dramatic pursuit music here].

The Cubs are in first place and it’s almost September! Way to go Cubbies. Cub fans will be drunker than ever as their beloved team marches into October. The pitching, the bats, the defense — their all there and the Cubs are poised to finally make this year, 2007, their year.

Stand aside Cardinal Nation, the Chicago Cubs are on their way to a World Series. Today the Central, tomorrow the world. Harry might even come back from the dead to see this happen. The Cubs are going all the way!

NOT.

Speaking purely as a baseball fan here, I think it is safe to say that the Brewers are on their way out. They are here in AZ (oddly enough the headquarters for this Cubs/Cardinals blog) to face the Diamondbacks, who just happen to be the best team in the NL these days. The Brewers are doing what we all thought they would do eventually - drink too much of that peewater beer they make up there and fall stumbling drunk out of first place.

Thankfully, now the real teams can take over.

The Cardinals take on Florida and the Cubs head west to face HR king [Douche] Baggy Bonds and his merry band of Giants. Now it is anybody’s race in the Central. The Cardinal pitching staff has finally figured out how to not give up touchdowns and the bats, while still not what they used to be, are coming alive at the right times more often than they were earlier in the year.

One thing the Cardinals have that the Cubs don’t is winning experience. That could very well be the difference in the end, beautiful friend. The Cubs have not known how to win since the glory days of Tinker-to-Evers-to-Chance — and nobody reading this site was alive when those glory days were in progress (if you were, please leave a comment because you’re like 100 years old or older and we need the publicity).

The Cardinals start a road trip today; first against Milwaukee and then down to face the rival and reason for this website: the Cubs. By this time next week, the Cardinals will be in first place. Since the NFL preseason has started, all the Cubs fans are back to being Bears fans, so nobody in Chicago will notice as the Cubs take their usual August plunge into the Wrigleyville crapper.

Yeah, that’s about it. Screw the Brewers and thanks for reading.