Cubs vs Cardinals

Hey Everybody, HarryFromHeaven here. In Lou of this weekends series between the Cubs and the Cardinals, me and God just sat down and cracked our first ice cold Budweisers. So I asked the G-man, “Hey Lord who’s gonna win this weekends series” and he said he thinks it will be the Cubs 2 games to 1. I said “You think? Aren’t you the almighty….the all powerful?” He said “Yes HarryFromHeaven my son, but even I cannot forseeith the future.”

I still wanted to find out who’s gonna win so I picked up my cellphone and called the Robins manager Tony La Russa. Have you ever used a cellphone? I don’t know how they work but they are amazing. I used one to call my friend Steve Stone before. So I asked Tony La Russa who was gonna win the series and I couldn’t really understand him. It sounded like he already had too many ice cold Budweisers.

Then I remembered I had stored Nostradamus‘ number in my cellphone. Have you ever used a cellphone? I don’t know how it works but you can stored phone numbers in them….and then use those numbers to call people on your cellphone.

I remembered that Nostradamus predicts the future. So I said “Hey Nostradamus, HarryFromHeaven here. I was wondering who’s gonna win the weekend series between the Cubs and Cards.” Nostradamus said “HarryFromHeaven, not only will the Cubs win the series, I see Mondays newspaper headline and it says ‘Cubs Sweep Cardinals’.

Also HarryFromHeaven just in case you were wondering, I see headlines all the following headlines in October ‘Zambrano Wins 2008 Cy Young’……’D Lee Claims 2008 NL MVP Award’……’Sweet Lou Manager of the Year Again’…..’Cubs Catcher Soto Edges Cubs Right Fielder Fuck-You Do-Me for NL Rookie of the Year’ ……’The Curse Is Over - Chicago Cubs End 100 Year Drought by Sweeping Red Sox’”

There you have it everybody. Cheers to the 2008 World Series Champion Chicago Cubs.

Time to crack open the Budweisers and fire up the old shit-talkin’ machine again for another great year of watching the overpaid underachievers from the north side crap out in the playoffs. Nice job in the playoffs last year, Cubbies.

(Fukudome!)

Bold Prediction: The Cubs will celebrate in 2008!

Yes, I am predicting that the Cubs will celebrate what I am calling “A Century of Shitty” in 2008 by NOT WINNING THE WORLD SERIES for the 100th straight year! Yep, 100 years of blaming goats, curses, and fans for their losing. Here’s to the next 100!

(Fukudome!)

Meanwhile, back in Cardinal Nation, I am quite optimistic about this year and the next few. The youth movement has begun in St. Louis, which generally means that we will probably land some twilighter looking for a career revival in the heartland (think McGwire, Will Clark, Larry Walker) and - oh, wait a second - we already got Troy Glaus. If the STL magic still works, he should be a solid bat for us.

We do have some kids who can play D and hit, but they are mostly a bunch of green bananas at this point. I would expect to see a few of them ripen in the minors and come up later in the year to wow us with their skills. The pressure is off us for the first time in a long time since all the lemmings who predict baseball are picking the Cubs and Asstros to win - even Milwaukee. That’s basically saying that the Cardinals are going to finish last in the NLC because we still cannot formally recognize the Pirates and Reds as MLB teams.

The first meeting between our fine clubs happens the first week of May. Then it’s on!

(Fukudome!) 

Somehow, Wrigley Field is apparently still standing after another crappy Chicago winter. I think they should build a new retractable roof stadium for the Cubs. . .perhaps they can call it the FukuDome? How about “the Dome that Fuku built”?

I think he plays right field, where all the real drunks sit. I can just see the new “salute” the Cub fans will have when their boy Fukudome trots out to right this year. That ought to make the WGN sensors happy this year!

But seriously, I wish to god that Harry Caray were alive today just to hear him make the call the first time that Kosuke Fukudome steps to the plate. It would truly be the shot heard ’round the world.Â

It seems that both our teams wound up in Shitsville this season. The baseball gods picked up a broom and beat up all the Cardinal starters (pitchers and defensive players) with one end of it, then flipped the broom over and swept the Cubs right out of the playoffs.

And here we sit, hoping for the D-Backs or Rockies to save our beloved NL. I guess there isn’t so much to say at this point other than better luck next year. We all know that “next year” will be the Cubs’ year, as I always say, the same way that Joe’s Crab Shack offers “free crabs tomorrow”.  .  .

And the Cardinals are facing uncertainty now that Walt Jocketty is out and La Russa and Duncan will (most likely) be soon to follow. If that’s the case, will we get Joe Girardi? Will Joe Torre take the helm again in St. Louis? Will it be Jose Oquendo? Who knows. For all we know, if La Russa is out, that means Ozzie Smith will show up to games again, which means we might be able to bring the Runnin’ Redbirds out of hiding now that the game will shift from the ‘roid-rage era back to a speed and defensive brand of baseball. I can just hear Jack Buck saying “. . .and the rabbits are loose” as a new era of Cardinals start stealing bases like they were white people’s cars in East St. Louis, IL. Ahh, the good old days.

Whether you are Cubs or Cardinals, at least we can all agree that the Red Sox and Yankees are still giant douches.

Fear not Cub fans, Lou Piniella knows how to handle a pitching staff. Rather than burn through them Dave Duncan style and risk winning a world championship, Lou-Lou is saving Carlos Zambrano for game four. Since Lou is new in town he can be excused for not knowing that Cubs playoff appearances are as rare as that Sam’s club hamburger that just got recalled(sorry to digress, but The Pope is very concerned with the public welfare). So I applaud Lou for giving Zambrano several years rest between playoff starts, Who knows, maybe Prior and Wood will be rested enough to appear in the next Cub playoff debacle. God Bless Bartman, The goat and Dusty Baker. (well maybe not Dusty)

We cordially invite you to take part in the trash talk between our two beloved teams, the Chicago Cubs and the St. Louis Cardinals. As fans of the Cubs and Cardinals, we are at the core of the greatest sports rivalry on the planet and we are a better rivalry than others simply because at the end of the day, we all go out and drink together in the same bar. It’s what Harry and Jack would have done.

If you don’t know who Harry and Jack are, leave this site now because you are an idiot.  

We also don’t take kindly to any fans of such teams as the Yankees and Red Sox. If you support either of these teams, please stop reading now and visit this site. Let’s just say it’s where you belong. Please keep in mind that any Cubs or Cards fan will agree that the Mets are useless wastes of space, as are the Astros, and the Braves are a bunch of no-talent ass-clowns, especially Chipper Jones. I don’t care how many stupid division titles you had in a row–with that many chances, you tools should have enough bling on your fingers to make a rapper kneel in awe.

So without further ado. . . 

All you need to do is register when you make your first comment. After that, you are free to comment on any post we make in here. If we find that you are hilarious and a worthy contributor, we may also make you a contributing writer for this site. We want to maintain some balance between the two sides and we also want to make sure the posts maintain a certain level of wit and humor, which is key to this site being fun.  

Enjoy! The rest of the 2007 season should be fun. . .